Thursday, December 3, 2009

Trickly

Mel Brook's movies are great. When I was a kid I loved them. When I started to think I knew things, I still liked them but thought they were cheesy. Now I know they're cheesy and great and great.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

whence

whence i was a young lad i thought that it was the american people who were idiots. as it turns out, most people are idiots! i guess i always knew this but i had hoped there was some far off country where people were decent and in the event of a worldly crisis, they would be able to fly their country to outer-space and be happy elsewhere.

on a side note, i think i'm about ready to get to work.

on another side note, please send me a dollar

Monday, November 30, 2009

Singles like me

Won't someone tell these dunderheads I'm not single?!?!?!?!

Great relationships based upon compatibility.
Discover why eHarmony is different...


Plus I hate Lee and Anne Marie.

I had an idea a while back about making a short video dealy about couples who meet online on these webby-things. Basically it's the two of them blathering on about how they met and how compatible they are and how they never thought in all their lives they'd meet someone as swell as "Lee" or "Anne Marie." Anyhow, while they're blathering on a la eharmony commercial, their friends are sitting there at a nice dinner party trying to be polite and listen, again, to their boring story of meeting online.

The rest of the dinner party guests keep on trying to change the subject or move on to another activity but the online dunderguests keep on bringing up compatibility, etc...


get it? because that's what they do on the commercials dumb dumb!





here's a side note about me: Whenever I realize I made a typing mistake, I either let it slide and chaulk it up to funny or i keep my finger on delete until i get to the mistake, even if that means re-typing perfectly fine words that i would keep otherwise! get it? so, say, i type: my name is batrick and eim a dunderhead!

in that sentence i would keep batrick because of the imagery but i would have deleted from the final exclamation point, all the way back to the e in eim, rather than simply using the mouse to delete the e and keep im.

is that bad or weird

you are


Find Quality Singles Like You

Friday, July 31, 2009

Blogs Postponed...

Dear reader,

As you may already know, I'm no good at keeping blogs updated. Now I find my self in the pickle of having two blogs to keep up with and the stress has been overwhelming. Thus, while I'm in Florida for the 67 Day of Smiles contest, please keep track of my exploits here:

www.67daysmile.blogspot.com

Fever Pitch Rulez!

Monday, July 20, 2009

PIZZA!!!!

today's my birthday!

NOT!!!

it's tomorrow loser!

Friday, July 17, 2009

drinks with axel

german axel came over with big cuts in his knees. he fell whence running. he also brought becks and alcohol for his wounds (besides the becks). i gave him hydrogen peroxide. both hutrt his knees. he picked up his hat and glasses he left here. we went to the store to get more beer because we were both in the drinking/talking mood... he left in his station wagon and left a hole in my heart. also, norm macdonald turned out to be a talking point of the night. that, and penises.

mislead

I was watching dr. katz and i thought to myself, "chips and salsa," because i think in fragments. you know? i don't have to say, "i think i want chips and salsa." i understand what i mean when i abbreviate things... that's not important. this is what is: i went intp the fridge, looked around, saw the salsa in the back, went to grab it, and then found out that it was pasta sauce. i was really mad at paul newman for a second but then i remembered he was dead... then i found the salsa and i was a lot happier. then i went to the office to type this... all before i even had one chip!

SMOSH!!!!!

I HATE SMOSH SO MUCH!!!

HENCE THE CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!

AND THE EXCLAMATION POINTS REALLY DRIVE IT HOME!!!!

WWW.SMOSH.COM

PLEASE HATE THEM WITH ME!!!!!!

Phone thing I do

O.k. so i understand how it's important to be a part of causes and stuff and to donate money to charities and blah blah blah.

here's the thing, i don't have any money!

not only that, but outside of the coffee shop, at which i still work, there is ALWAYS at least one person with a clipboard and a t shirt, that tries stopping me and getting my information and money.

the most annoying of these is greenpeace because they really try guilting you-

"oh, so i guess you don't care about the planet, huh?"

as someone who does care about the planet, i take offense to this. but that's not the point.
a while ago, i started pulling out my cell phone and pretending to talk to someone so they'll leave me alone. pretty smart huh? well...

one time a greenpeace guy's like, "oh, so i guess your phone call's more important than the planet, huh?"

Man! the guy got through the only defense i have!

so here's the plan. next time they try that here's how it goes down:

greenpeace guy: "oh, so i guess your phone call's more important than the planet, huh?"
me: "hmm? oh i'm sorry. i just found out my mother died."

i think this will work. if not, i'm just throwing the phone at him and leaving...



P.S. don't think that i haven't thought of something else cool. i can also pretend to be on the phone whenever i want to talk to myself in public or make fun of people out loud.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The next Willenium! A RAP SONG

ARTIST: DJ RAPP STARR
ALBUM: STINKY KOOL-AID
SONG: THE NEXT WILLENIUM!

DJ Rapp Starr:

YO!

How come all the ladies eatin' Mac an' Cheese?
Makes your farts stank and get booty disease!

take a tip, a tic, a tat, and stick it'n your hat!
(Bro Chorus: "what's that bro?") I say stick it in your hat!

I been 'round the world, seen my share of some shit,
but I never saw no booty I din't wanna hit.

So I make a plee to you girl, I'm down on my knees,
be my wife girl... I'm down on my knees!

Bro CHORUS:

Boys just want to have a lady,
A lady to have a fun time with.
Rock and roll is over-rated.
Watch a Hugh Grant film.

DJ Rapp Starr:

It's the new, I mean Next Willenium!

Got a letter in the mail from my p-pen pal.
Opened it up, he died... you know, my pen pal.

p-p-p-p-pen pal

I thought, what a piece of shit day already and it ain't even half past noon
so i got in my car, headed down to the mall, and tried an' score a little pooon.

I got in a crash, it really sucked.
It really, really, really sucked.

Bro CHORUS:

Boys just want to have a lady,
A lady to have a fun time with.
Rock and roll is over-rated.
Watch a Hugh Grant film.

DJ Rapp Starr:

It's the Brand Next Willenium!

So I hope you learned a something from my cautionary tale.
Never get 2 smart or else you'll end up in jail.
Take a tip from me, and always eat your peas.
take a tip from me, don't end up in jail like me...s...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

i feel

i feel down and out but i got my skin full of diesel so how can things be that bad?

too much to do but no money.

squash is coming in.

tomatoes fine.

got the full-sized accordion.

hacky sack skills improved.

national fans.

new trash.

television.

air traffic.

butler dollars.

pickles and feta.

skills.

drinks.

smokes.



a new you for the new millenium!

Friday, June 5, 2009

juice

i'm watching this juice commercial and everyone's running around and all happy and high on juice and i'm like, come on.

also, biking clothes? come on!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Pretzels are the best, am I right?!

dear follower,

i bequeef you, aren't pretzels great?! it's true so don't worry! pretzels are the number one snackles food voted by snax magazine 17 years in a row! how can so many years be wrong? they can't be wrong! also i worked on " so you think you can dance". it was a Glouster-fuck. i wanted to take videos and pictures but that was illegal. i didn't want to jeopardize my career. they paid me to fly to L.A. for 2 hours

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

movie re-jewels

starring goldie chawn!




please stay chuned from more enticing reviews!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Family portrait

i drew a family portrait today also...




note how none of them look like their photographic counterparts or how their proportions are... out of proportion... like a deland mural.

Assignment #2

although late, and off subject, this is the result of my second assignment given by Snack Nickels

the assignment title was, "Ladybird Johnson Hears a Hoo."

In keeping with the idea given to me by Nic Michaels, i decided to draw a picture of him, in very low light. I, being a man of action, decided to not waste any time and modified the rules by instituting a 3 minute time limit. Pencils down!

this is the result:





note the delicate shadowing on the right side of the subjects face and the bold choice of the artist to not include the continuing hair line below the left ear.

although, not realism, the image captures the imp-like spirit of the subject, enticing the viewer to want to call the subject on the phone at all hours of the night.

particular attention was given to the eyes.

I agree

i agree with Snack Nickels on this one, i'm bored all the time. i'm not bored sometimes but you get the point.

it's not that i expect to be entertained all the time but i guess it just takes more to tickle my fancy than the average joe or jordan. let's not get confused, i am happy all the fucking time, but i'm just usually bored too.

i need adventuressssss!!!

i need to do things with friends

in other news, never, ever, nerver, agree to shoot and edit a 6 hour st. patrick's day mass and shitfest for $175. lesson learned!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

man, i stink at doing blogs.


i stink. but friend Mac Nickels describes a system of challenges instituted to one another for reasons unknown, which should stimulate productivity, at least in emerging markets. Thus, the first challenge presented to me was as follows: "a monkey trying to teach table manners to a bear." I thought, "how to tackle this quandary?" First I thought about acting it out... then I thought, "millionaire monkey in foreground. sad bear in background covered in spaghetti. "by jove i think he's got it!"

here's the outcome

check

Thursday, February 26, 2009

the blogsters of orondax prime

so, i'm not a good blogster already, but i haven't had internet since i moved into this new dump. the old dump was tiny and loud, and flutey. the new dump is far away, quiet, expensive... i like this place because there are no people to bother me. by bother, i mean to annoy.

eugene mirman was at the booksmith last night. even though i hate when comedians i like write books and then go on these weird book tourers, making subdued jokes that yuppies and puppies get a chuckle out of, i'm kind of upset i didn't go. i mean, i really like eugene mirman and he was right there. at the same time i feel like it's kind of weird to be that close to someone you admire and just get up and leave afterwards and not saying anything. you might even get to say "hey man, i like your stuff", but that's even more awkward. and possibly leads to inquiries.

i went to the beer store. it was great! the barkeep says to me he says, "ever try bacon-infused bourbon?" and i was like "no but you're my new best friend!"

last night before i fell asleep i, for some reason, was thinking alot about high school. i mean, like weird situations that i haven't thought about for years and i almost felt as if i were living those same moments again. i believe i was partially asleep. the brain is fantastic.

i talked to my mom today. she talks about anything. i like it. one time, when my mom was visiting me in college and was having dinner with me and my friends, one of my friends commented how my mom and me should be a comedy team. in all honesty i think i do say some of my funniest things when talking to my mom. i can't even begin to comprehend how her mind must work... she wants to write a book with my cousin about how to create the perfect man...

norm macdonald was hilarious but he stoleded my material

Monday, February 2, 2009

hot pockets


why is it that hotpocket commercials always have 30 year olds playing the roles of younger kids?

it's awkward

i'm sick of boston

i don't like boston. i mean, come on, seriously? what is it that people like about this trash hole? after complaining about boston for a while andrea and i tried listing all the things we liked about the city. i inavertedly kept listing things i didn't like.

all i could come up with was, "i guess it's neat that it's historic."

come on boston!

miso soupey (poem)

i'm tired of beer
it's queer!

i'm tired of light
it's night!

i'm tired of noise
come on boyz!

i'm tired of goundhogs
they're groundhogs!

i'm tired of exclamation points
what's the point?!

i'm tired of boston
it's stupid!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

montages

know what i like about 80's movie competition montages? whenever there's some sort of dance off between the movie star and the bitch and the of the people, the star and the bitch stink and everyone else is great but they always do something to mess up and then the bitch does some illegal move that the judges somehow miss but then the star believes in herself and pulls it off at the last second and the summer is saved and her strict dad loosens up and says, "gnarly!" and the ancient spirits can re-inhabit their land and the big money developers have to move on out.

sarah jessica parker has always been unattractive

An unprecedented 2 blogs in one day (posts)

I did it! 2 blog posts!


may the great blog war of 2005 continue...

until i win~~~ (!!!)

Look at that blog I blogged out.

Listen crew... I'll be the first to admit it. I hate blogs! I hate writing them, I hate reading them, I hate eating them. Here's the thing, why do I have a blog? I have no stupid idea. i don't know why i did it. maybe because i wanted to feel like a cool guy. maybe i felt like i needed to do it to prove i was part of something (internet), maybe i like giblets (too true). here's the truth america: i did it because i like nomlins.

know who's not funny? me. even more so? jeff dunham. i mean, i hate brody stevens but jesus, this guy makes brody look like... funny!!!

i mean, his mouth is fucking moving and his dummies sound exactly like him!!!

the audience loves him. he just made his old guy dummy say, in reference to his dummy wife, "naggy nag nag nag nag nag nag, bitch bitch bitch."

it was a song

a guy in the audience put his hand up in the air as to say, "ah, hell yeah. i knows what yous means." (you can't trust anyone who puts too many s's on things."

alright assholes, i've just decided after watching a crown royal commercial, i'm going to become a great black jazz trumpeter

Monday, January 19, 2009

Eggo Offer

I think it speaks for itself but I encourage everyone to search the rest of the Eggo website for more exciting offers!

http://www2.kelloggs.com/Promotion/PromotionDetail.aspx?PID=15376

Friday, January 16, 2009

T.V.

A grown man on national television just spelled "ticket" and won $2,000...

I'm not angry at him or the media. I just wish I could find a job like that.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A New Blog, a New Attitude!

Alright, so as we all know (or as we've all been led to believe) it is now 2009! How exciting is this? Well, you tell me. No, you know what, no need. I'm telling you right now how exciting it is... very (exciting)!

Anyhow, why have I started this blog? It's because I know you all want to keep updated with the trivial bullstuff that comes out of my head and, while I'll never post anything that I'm really feeling or experiencing, this is the best way for all you losers to feel like you're actually close. In the way that Job must have felt close to God when he was stuck on that raft for 100 years or whatever... Or like the time Jughead came close to winning the "all you can eat burger voucher" to Pop Tates Chocolate Shoppe just to see it snatched away at the last second by Big Ethel.

Yes reader, just like heroes of the Bible and classic Riverdalian fiction, you too have the chance and duty to read what I write and per chance, live vicariously through my scribblings... (and maybe just learn a thing or two along the way."

For yes, I am better than you (Big Surprise!)! While you're at home with your pressed trousers and ancient celluar telephone that isn't even bluetooth compatible, I'm out on the town with naturally wrinkled pants and an awesome telephone.

Yes, 2009 is truly the year of the lion. I am that lion and I'm better than you.

I have to go watch Quantum Leap now.